


Embers

by Elveny



Series: Spark of Hope [5]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: A New Start, F/M, Grief, Loss, Post-Break Up, Trespasser DLC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-09-23 09:23:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9649604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elveny/pseuds/Elveny
Summary: She knew he still cared for her - it was something he could not hide from her. It showed in the small gestures when he nearly touched her, in the way his voice changed when she looked at him a certain way. It was the look in his eyes when he did not expect her to meet his gaze and the hidden smiles when she did something he found endearing. She could read it in his paintings and in the way he buried himself in work.





	1. Lullaby

**Author's Note:**

> I am currently reworking this whole series since posting it in 2017. It was originally just a rather lose collection of scenes to add flavor to the ingame scenes. By now my headcanon has shifted somewhat and I am trying to make it more of a whole.
> 
> Current state (June 2018) is two added chapters ("The Walk" and "Fade-touched") and an overhaul of eight or so chapters with by now nearly 20k additional words, another updated chapter is coming soon (prepare for more kisses), and I'm only in the 2nd part of this 5 part series. So there is more to come and even more important in my eyes: the existing work will be improved upon. Enjoy and thanks for being patient with me :D

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why are you here?" Lyssa asks softly and Cole looks at her in confusion.
> 
> "There is pain amidst the fluidity of the dream."

She looks up at the bright band spanning the night sky, only visible when the huge moon did not rise to brighten up the whole sky. The stars seem so near she is tempted to reach up to them to pluck them from the velvety blue. It is late and cool but Lyssa doesn't care for the moment. It is a rare moment of silence and peace she relishes. The Great Hall had been packed with nobles asking for audiences, swarming her until Josephine took pity upon her and directed her and a few selected guests into another, quieter room. It has still been exhausting day.

"I cannot imagine this to actually be comfortable", Solas says as he steps through the door out onto the balcony. Lyssa smiles at him.

"It's not about the comfort", she says. "It's about the beauty as you well know."

"I do", he confesses with a smile and just as she knows he will, lowers himself to lay next to her just to push himself up again, one hand next to her, the other one caressing her face. She can feel his lower body pressed against hers and there's a sparkle in her eye as she slowly moves beneath him that she can see spark something in him as well.

He carefully, lovingly brushes a lock of hair from her face, his face eternal and beautiful in the night, somewhat softer. He touches her face as if to imprint every line, every little scar into his memory, every shadow, every light.

"Ah vhenan," he murmurs, "it's about so much more than beauty."

Her hands have come up to caress his body, softly tracing over his sides, starting to pull the shirt from his trousers just as he lowers himself down to kiss her. A familiar longing, edged with grief and pain amidst the happiness of the moment.

"That must be cold," the wondering voice of Cole startles them both and they stop in the midst of their movement. Solas closes his eyes just above her face as if to remember his patience and Lyssa cannot help but laugh softly. She knows there is a blush in her cheeks as she looks to the spirit crouching next to them, head tilted and looking at them wonderingly.

"Stones beneath, hard, cold just as they've always been since…" Cole starts and Solas eyes snap open, interrupting him. "Cole, not now."

"Why are you here?" Lyssa asks softly and Cole looks at her in confusion.

"There is pain amidst the fluidity of the dream."

It is and she knows it but for the moment she doesn't care. She has called upon this memory, for once giving in to the longing for the duration of this dream, stolen moments of happiness.

"Doesn't matter. Leave," she says and he flickers and is gone. Solas kisses her and she wraps her arms around him, eyes shut, drawing him close, desperation in the kiss but even as she feels his tongue touch hers, he escapes her grip.

"No, please, not yet," she calls out, trying to let herself fall back into the memory, shaping the dream but when she looks up at Solas again, the night sky has vanished and his face is in the shadows, just a burning pair of eyes above her that vanish into smoke that rises from the burning aravels around her. Lyssa grabs her staff more closely, the familiar panic already rising within her just as the sparks rise towards the sky.

A wolf between trees, flickering, there, gone.

Dark hair beneath her fingers, flowing like silk as she kisses him.

She calls upon the flames to draw them away from the aravel, knowing it's too late and unable to do anything else. Time slows down and just like every time she can see the woods flooded with late autumn sun beneath a dark, fire lit night sky.

A familiar person next to her and she realizes she has managed to shape the dream after all.

"Is that Cullen?" he asks as she takes attack formation but she can only shake her head before the human's hand sends a fiery red pain through her and she flies back. There is nothing she can do about this part of the nightmare. Looking up all she sees is the red blood drops hovering in the air and then, everything is Nelos' eyes in the moment of his death and grief washes over her. The sound of her voice singing him a lullaby weaves itself through everything, leaving soft trails. The man kneels over Nelos' body, his face hidden beneath a huge hood. Lyssa's eyes widen when he looks up and it is no longer the human but Solas.

His hands are bloodstained and there is pain in his eyes.

As he stands up, the wolf fur coat falls away and takes with it the dead body on the ground. All that's left is the aravel, burning in silence. Solas takes her hand and leads her away into the trees. Soon, she knows where they are and when they step around a tree, they find themselves at the edge of a small pool that had formed beneath a spring trinkling down a rocky lift of the ground. Tall, ancient trees tower above them, moss-covered rocks and smooth, silvery grass between them. The heat of the summer is broken by the leaves above and the sunbeams are pillars losing themselves between the trees. Even here it is incredibly beautiful, so much so that it has an unreal atmosphere to it.

"A place of happiness," she can hear him murmur and smiles, nodding.

"I come her often," she tells him and without hesitating any longer, she turns around and draws him into a kiss. He answers with passion and longing and for an eternal moment there is nothing here but a happiness that resonates in their surroundings. She can hear the leaves of the trees rustle above them as a breeze comes up, swirling around them, lifting her hair. Their lips meet with fervor and she sighs into the kiss as her tongue finds his and he buries his hands in her hair, holding her close.

She finds herself sitting on his lap, legs wrapped around him, soft furs beneath them and he whispers the endearments she has been missing as his fingers trail over her naked body, wakening passion with every touch. She can feel him ready for her and straddles him willingly, taking him deep within her, arching her back as she does so. The flames in the fireplace are their only light as they find their rhythm, lips drinking their moans and fingers holding each other close. When her release finds her, she throws back her head, looking up into sunlit trees crying out in ecstasy and he buries his face at her neck as he shudders within her, groaning deep.

It is the way his skin feels beneath her touch as she holds him close, so different from the rest of the dream. It is the way she can feel him move beneath as he slips out of her and her breath catches. A realization. She takes hisface in both hands, searching.

"Are you really here?" she asks before she can stop herself and his eyes widen, his hands on her body stopping where they are. Snow begins to fall.

"You are here," he whispers and she can see the pain, the grief, the shock in his eyes just the tiniest moment before she knows what he's doing next.

"Not yet," she yells, shooting upright in her bed.

 

It took her a moment to adjust to the harsh reality of her room. She could still feel the wetness between her thighs, speaking of the passion she just experienced and grabbed the blanket to pull it over herself. She was trembling. A shared dream. They had been exploring the Fade now and then together but never just shared a dream that wasn't shaped completely and willingly. And never without meaning to.

She buried her face in her hands, willing her breath to slow down before she turned onto her side, curling into herself. It had been weeks since Crestwood. But if anything the look on his face as he had realized what had been going on told her that nothing had changed.

She didn't cry. But when Cole came this time, she let him hold her hand until the morning dawned.


	2. Lullaby

She had stolen into his chamber, into his bed without waking him. His wards were so familiar to her that she had had no trouble passing through them, her own magic interlacing with his to dispell the triggers which would have woken him otherwise.

Lyssa had thrown all doubts over board, every insecurity. This was what she needed now, he was what she needed in this night before the big fight. And she knew he still cared for her - it was something he could not hide from her. It showed in the small gestures when he nearly touched her, in the way his voice changed when she looked at him a certain way. It was the look in his eyes when he did not expect her to meet his gaze and the hidden smiles when she did something he found endearing. She could read it in his paintings and in the way he buried himself in work.

Lyssa still did not understand why he found it impossible to be with her but she knew that she herself wasn’t the reason. It was maddening and saddening and soothing at the same time. But she had stopped to ask for his reason. He wouldn’t give it to her. Her heart clenched at the thought and she wondered again why he wouldn’t trust her, again. A futile question. She had no answers and he wouldn’t give them.

 

For a long moment she just stood next to his bed, watching him sleep, the pale moonlight streaming in through the window, highlighting his long ears, the sharp edge of his jaw and the little crease in his chin - a picture so familiar it hurt. His face was never so peaceful as when he was wandering in the Fade, exploring, learning. But tonight it seemed like what he found was not to his liking. His lips parted with a half-said word, his brows furrowing ever so slightly, hands twitching.

She cocked her head, tenderness and love overflowing her heart and without thinking more about it, she climbed on his bed.

 

“Lyssa?” Solas’ voice was sleepy and slurred but as he felt her hands coming over his breast to his shoulders, he was awake immediately, alert and on edge.

“Don’t”, she whispered as he took her wrists in his hands to stop her. There was no cruelty in his eyes or grip, just a question and an immense sadness, mirroring her own.

“I don’t ask for much”, she said, undeterred. “Just give me this night. I know you cannot or will not stay with me and I won’t hold it against you. I don’t ask for you to change your mind - this is your decision and yours alone. I will not bring it up again. But you are my strength and I cannot face this night alone. Not this night.”

The fingers around her wrists loosened and she took the opportunity and stretched down next to him, pressing her body against his, taking his face in both hands, touching him tenderly and he could see unshed tears shimmering in her eyes.

As she touched him she could feel him shudder and the short intake of breath as her lips brushed ever so slightly against his emboldened her. She could sense him steeling himself but she wouldn’t have it. Not tonight. Her fingers stroked his face as she held his gaze and when he started to say something, she interrupted him:

“Tomorrow we will face Corypheus and I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know if I will survive.”

He saw that she meant what she said. Even after everything they had done she still didn’t know if she would be able to actually match the old magister. 

“Lyssa…”, he started with a sad sigh and she knew he would refuse her, even as his hands came up to her shoulders, brushing her hair back with a familiar, intimate gesture. She shook her head before he could continue.

“I know you still care for me on some level even if you don’t care enough for me to trust me. But for once I don’t care why you do it - to do me a favour, out of lust or pity, I don’t care. I need you tonight. I won’t beg, I won’t order. I'm just asking for this one night.”

He had become very still at her words and something in his eyes had changed. Lyssa felt like she could see the internal battle in his eyes and suddenly she was afraid that even now he would push her away. But she couldn’t take it, not tonight. She wouldn’t. Her hands wandered over his arms to his hands, fingers interlacing, and she let a small burst of magic flow between them, rekindling memories of a passionate night, one of the last ones they had shared. Something in his eyes flared up and she felt his breath quicken.

“Just this one night”, she insisted and kissed him, no longer tenderly but fiercely, insistent. Her lips pressed against his with need, her tongue flickering over them until they parted and she sighed. There was a fire in her kiss she rarely showed and it flashed over to him. His fingers left hers, arms coming around her and then he was kissing her back just as intently.

 

He buried his hand in her hair and as his tongue found hers, every thought dissipated. His other hand came around her waist, pressing her closer to him as if he wanted to make sure she wouldn’t suddenly disappear again and a wave of happiness and incredible sadness crashed over Lyssa and made her breathless. She had wrapped her arms around his neck and didn’t let go as he turned her over with the strength that never ceased to surprise her. She drank in his breath, his scent, committing every detail to memory as his touches awoke her passion and fire with certainty, his hands gliding under her shirt to her breasts, caressing her skin and leaving tingling trails upon it. There was grief in their kiss and a desperate need and Lyssa knew, somehow, somewhere deep within that this was a good-bye. Tears threatened in the corners of her eyes and she grabbed his shirt, pulling at it, exposing his skin, running her hands beneath it, feeling the muscles ripple beneath his skin. He let go of her, just shortly, to pull it over his head and she used the chance to get rid of hers.

When she emerged beneath the cloth, hair spilling out on the pillows, their eyes met and she could read the unspoken question within his.

_ Are you sure? We shouldn’t. _

She grabbed his shoulders, pulling him in for another kiss as an answer, certainty and a desperate passion in her touch. Skin against skin it was easy to just feel, finding themselves again in the little gestures and caresses they only knew from each other, hands pulling at their pants to rid them from the last barrier between them. The tiniest flow of magic from their hands made their bodies glow softly until she felt them connect on a level she had only ever reached with him, letting her feel him with more than her body. His lips found the tips of her breasts and she arched her back, desire flooding her, wordlessly urging him on and she gasped when his fingers found their way between her thighs.

Whispered words broke with sighs and moans, the moonlight their only blanket and when he came up again with a flowing motion and a breathless moan, positioning himself above her, Lyssa buried her face in the hollow of his neck to suppress a sob, her fingers curled around the back of his head. She more felt than heard the guttural sound he made as he entered her and the world fell apart around them to nothing more than feeling.

 

She arched her hips to draw him closer, even closer, matching his rhythm until there was no more space between them, feeling more alive than in a long time. Their lips found each other again, kissing, parting, wandering over each other's skin. Soft bites and fingers scratching over hot skin, getting more frantic with each deep thrust. She pulled his head towards hers with a desperate moan to kiss him again as the heat pooled within her, ready to burst and suddenly they were looking at each other.

 

A stolen, frozen moment within their burning passion and Lyssa felt like she was seeing him for the first time. Her eyes widened at what she more guessed and felt than knew - more power than he had let on, even more knowledge, more depth and most of all, all the love he had for her - but then he moved again within her and the relief that had been building up in her crashed over her.

 

“Solas...” His name was a plea on her lips as she convulsed around him, her head thrown back and he just kept moving until she felt like she was nothing more than molten glass in his arms, helplessly holding on to him. And he responded with renewed passion if that was possible, a guttural, wordless sound losing itself against her lips as he gripped her hips more firmly to pick up speed, uncontrolled now until he shuddered all the way through, losing himself within her as he spilled his release with frantic, desperate thrusts in her depths.

Lyssa closed her arms around him as he came to lay upon her, taking his familiar weight, planting small kisses on his neck, inhaling his scent deeply. He laid his forehead on hers, breathing heavily, his eyes closed. She had said that she didn’t care why he did this and for this moment it was true. This was something she could hold in her memory, keep close to her heart even if tomorrow would change everything.

 

Solas slowly pushed up on his elbows, freeing her of his weight but if she had feared he would retreat immediately, he proved her wrong. Instead, he looked down on her, stroking her hair out of her face with a smile that was loving and sad and thoughtful. She could still feel him inside of her and slowly, teasingly moved against him, eliciting a breathless laugh and he answered with a deep, slow thrust as he kissed her, his tongue mirroring his movement. Lyssa felt like she couldn't get enough of him and sighed sensually, smiling against his lips. And there it was, the familiarity and closeness she had missed so desperately in the last months. She caressed his back with her fingertips, a touch light as a feather and when his hand found its way to her breast, his thumb slowly rubbing over her nipple, she drew him in for another kiss, continuously rolling her hips against him. His fingers on her breast sent burning spikes of desire to her belly and she felt her passion rekindling. He kept moving within her, slow, lazy thrusts, his lips caressing her neck and her hand never leaving her breast until she started to get restless beneath him, squirming under his touch, small moans escaping her as she tried to up the pace with desperate movements. He changed his angle slightly, answering her movements and she the way he pushed himself into her told her that he was just as ready as she was. Solas pulled his legs up beneath him, pushing himself into a sitting position, holding her in place with a groan as he deepened his thrusts. Just as she thought she couldn't take more, his fingers came to her most sensitive spot between her legs, stroking her in the same rhythm and she nearly lifted herself off the bed as she her relief crashed over her, nearly at the same time as she could feel him stiffen and spill himself within her.

 

It took her a while to come down from her high, her limbs heavy. Solas lay down beside her, cradling her in his arms. For the moment, all she could feel was a deep-rooted content but it was tinged with sadness. She decided not to linger on it and pressed herself against him, her head on his shoulder, nose buried in the small crease at his neck. Neither of them said anything, just holding each other. Lyssa could feel his hand softly caressing her skin and as she fell asleep, a soft kiss was pressed on her forehead.

"Emma sa'lath", he murmured just when sleep took her.

 

She woke with the dawn and found herself still cradled in his arms. He was softly stroking her face and shoulder, kissing her neck as he saw her awaken. She languidly stretched in his arm, pressing her against him, not wanting the night to end. He held her close as she shuddered when a wave of sadness crashed over her, never stopping to caress her skin as she silently sobbed against his chest.

 

When she could finally no longer deny the increasing light from the rising sun, she looked up at him. She had expected to see regret in his eyes but there was none to be found and when he softly smiled at her, she smiled back, even though there were tears on her cheeks. Somehow, in this moment it didn’t matter what had happened and knowing he still loved her was enough. Their lips found each other again, a kiss full of tenderness and love,

ever so softly.

He whispered: “Thank you for this gift.”

“This was for me, not for you”, Lyssa answered and for a long moment he just looked at her. Then he nodded, softly wiping a strand of hair from her face.

"I understand", he murmured, kissing her for a last time.

With reluctant movements, Lyssa disentangled herself from him, her heart heavy. As she sat on edge of the bed, pulling her shirt and pants back on, she could feel his eyes upon herself. She looked back over her shoulder at him. He looked incredibly lost and sad and somehow timeless in the morning sun and for a second she felt like he might say something. But the moment passed and no words had been exchanged.

“Ar lath ma”, she said quietly and earnestly. “If nothing else, remember this.”

Then she got up and left without looking back, feeling more alone than ever and stronger at the same time.

 


	3. In Another Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's weird, isn't it?" she said quietly. "The way some things we take for granted slowly and nearly unnoticeably fade away while others are just ripped away with blood and tears. And yet, both are gone."

She couldn't really remember when they had started to get comfortable with touching each other but by now she was so at ease in his presence that she instantly snuggled against him when they spend the evening together. It had become a habit to spend a while with each other nearly every night, sometimes playing a game of Wicked Grace, sometimes just talking and sharing a glass of wine, sometimes not even that and just sitting next to each other on the couch, each absorbed in their thoughts or a book or paperwork.

Tonight was one of those nights where neither of them felt the need to say anything.

He was reading up on some reports, and Lyssa stared pensively into the fire, her head on his shoulder. He had put an arm around her and sometimes stroked her arm absentmindedly, holding her close. Skyhold was mostly already asleep, the crackling of the fire and the occasional rustle of paper the only sounds, filling the room with a subdued and warm atmosphere.

 

It was still fascinating for her to compare her easiness with Cullen now to the deep-rooted fear he had elicited in the beginning. Back then she had barely been able to be in the same room with him without constantly keeping her eyes on him for fear he would suddenly attack. Over the months, she had slowly gotten comfortable in his presence and he had started to confide in her telling her about his family, his past and lastly, about his lyrium addiction. She had met Cassia and seeing him around the woman he loved had erased the last fears about him she had kept close to her heart. She had supported him in his decision to stay off the lyrium and held him at his worst moment. And then Cassia had stayed behind in the Fade and she had seen him nearly destroyed by it, especially when Adriene, Cassia's twin, left Skyhold as well. She had been there for him, again. Still, they had kept a professional distance through it all - the Inquisitor and her Commander.

 

That had changed when Solas left her. The grief they had shared had made them bond and out of the occasional meeting to keep each other company had become a constant in their lives. One she cherished, especially since Skyhold had become more quiet after they had defeated Corypheus and Solas had disappeared completely out of her life and many of the Inquisition's forces had gone back to their normal lives. Skyhold seemed bigger now, more empty spaces, less traffic and trade, even though they were still busy with everything Corypheus had destroyed and left corrupted. Solas' and Cassia's absence had become a normality over the months and even though there were moments for both of them when grief and sadness gripped them, they mostly had adjusted to how life now was. Quieter. More peaceful. And a little bit less cheerful.

 

She adjusted slightly on the sofa to get more comfortable and instinctively, Cullen pulled her a bit closer.

"Are you alright?" he asked and she nodded.

"Just thinking," she said quietly without taking her eyes off the fire. She could feel him smile as he put the papers away he had been reading.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Lyssa shifted and laid her head down on his lap, coming onto her back, the fingers of her hand interlacing with his as his arm slid down from her shoulders. "I was thinking whether I should have my Vallaslin redone."

He raised both eyebrows as he looked down on her. "Really? I thought you didn't regret having them removed?"

She shrugged, looking up at him pensively. "I don't. Not really. But still. It's…" She sighed, softly striking her thumb over the back of his hand. "It was the visible sign of where I belong. By now, nobody would mistake me for a Dalish."

He smiled amusedly, a corner of his mouth twitching. "If you mean you no longer look always hungry and like you expect someone to kill you behind the next corner, then yes. You're right. Nobody would mistake you for a Dalish."

 

For a moment, they were silent again, Lyssa looking back into the fire.

"Do you realize you said 'mistake me for' and not 'recognize as'?" Cullen finally asked and the thumb who was caressing the back of his hand stopped.

"I didn't…," Lyssa started and stopped as she felt her throat close. But it was a short-lived sadness, overshadowed by a feeling of inevitability. She hadn't intended to put it this way but somehow it didn't surprise her that it accidentally happened. She closed her eyes as she realized she wouldn't renew her vallaslin. "It's weird, isn't it?" she said quietly. "The way some things we take for granted slowly and nearly unnoticeably fade away while others are just ripped away with blood and tears. And yet, both are gone."

 

A log broke and sparks sputtered upwards, breaking the silence.

 

"What's brought all this on? The Dalish delegate?" Cullen had started to absent-mindedly play with her hair and Lyssa nodded.

"They stopped calling me sister or lethallan. And you know what?" She looked back up at him. "I think I actually can't go back. I always thought I'd go back once the Inquisition is no longer necessary. But some time between trying to fight everything and fighting _for_ everything, I started to fit in. I do miss the travels and the simplicity and the aravels and yet - it's become more and more a fond memory than something to go back to. And now I no longer know what I'll do when this is over."

 

"I know the feeling", Cullen said and his voice was thick with emotion and she didn't even have to read his face to know he was telling the truth. They were both lost amidst all they did. It was what had brought them so close together, what had nurtured their friendship into something more neither of them could or wanted to name - the knowledge that deep down the other one truly understood what each of them felt. Lyssa cupped his cheek in her hand and he turned his head slightly to place a kiss into her palm. Their eyes met for an eternal second and following an emotion and an instinct, Lyssa pushed herself up into a seating position. With a nervous tingling she leaned towards him, her heart beating loudly and softly pressed her lips on his. She could feel his surprise but after just the slightest hesitation, he kissed her back, his arms coming around her and pulling her close. Her lips opened beneath his as she put her arms around his neck and with a sigh he deepened the kiss. There was the promise of passion in the touch and the way they pressed themselves at each other, his hand in her neck, her fingers in his hair. He found the soft skin at her waist beneath her tunic and she felt a tingle deep within herself as she let her hands wander down over his chest.

 

And just then, another log broke down in the fire, a crack loud enough to disturb the possibilities of the moment and instead of wandering further, both their hands went back to just hold the other person. As if their touch said more than words, they deepened the kiss with fervor, before they parted slowly, tenderly.

Holding each other, they were both breathing heavier and Lyssa could feel his heartbeat against her chest. She leaned her forehead against his, inhaling his scent with closed eyes.

"Maybe I should ask you to marry me once the Inquisition is no more," he murmured and she smiled.

"Maybe I'll say yes."

 

Reluctantly, they let go of each other. Lyssa once more settled back into his embrace next to him.

"Have you heard of Adriene?" she asked after a long pause and he nodded.

"Yes, she wrote some time ago. She still dreams of Cassia and ist still convinced that she can find her. She's in Tevinter, looking for a elfblooded human named Feynriel. She says he's a Som… som-something…"

"Somniari?" Lyssa asked, her interest piqued. "That is rare. A mage able to shape the Fade around them, with powers even demons can't quite match." She didn't say it to not get his hopes up but to herself, she thought: 'If she finds him, he could very well be able to find Cassia - if she's still alive.'

"In any case, she says he still owes her a favor, so…"

Again, they fell silent until Cullen finally sighed deeply and gathered the papers he had put aside. "I should get back to my rooms", he said and Lyssa got up with him to bring him to the door, giving him a kiss on the cheek as usual before he left. Just before the door fell shut behind him, he paused in the doorframe and looked back at her.

"You know, in another life…," he said, full of emotions and she nodded.

"I know," she whispered. "In another life."


	4. I'll never stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She looked down at their interlaced hands with a deep sigh and her fingers tightened around his, her emotions running wild. This was how life was supposed to be. Free of pain and in his arms.
> 
> \---
> 
> A slightly different version of Solas' and Lyssa's last meeting at the end of Trespasser.

Lyssa had nearly stopped believing that she’d ever catch up with him. But there he was, his outline illuminated by the magic of the Eluvian behind him.

“Solas”, she called out with desperation in her voice, pointedly ignoring the pain building up in her hand again.

When he turned, she felt tears pricking at her eyes and her heart beat painfully. It had been so very long since she’d seen him. She had expected him to have changed, to be more regal, hard, distinguished - just different - but every little detail in his face was just as she remembered: The dimple in his chin. His eyes that still looked at her with so much emotion. The curve of his lips. The line of his jaw. A longing she had thought long behind her struck her with such a power that she couldn't breathe for a moment. She knew her own face was no longer the same as two years ago, the losses, joys and sleepless nights having taken their toll, deepening lines that hadn't been visible before. Yet he seemed unchanged.

She stopped for a second, unsure what to expect. Then her eyes met his and in his gaze she read the same love he had shown her before he had left - and the same sorrow. For most people he would have just looked proud and unapproachable but Lyssa knew him too well not to read the small telltale signs of his face: the way he pressed his lips together, took a deep breath and furrowed his brow just the tiniest bit. The muscles in his jaw worked and as he straightened, he blinked one time too many, looking at her. Something in him softened as she took a step towards him, looking at her like she was the most precious person he had ever seen. And just like that, Lyssa threw all doubts over board. The first step was more like a stumble but then she gained momentum, her staff falling to the ground as she hurried towards him and flew in his arms, kissing him like she had dreamt about far too often.

At first, he didn’t react, surprised, maybe even shocked. She held on to him, her lips pressing against his, drinking his breath as his mouth opened beneath hers and then, with a sigh that was nearly a moan, his arms came around her and he kissed her back with the same passion she remembered from their very first kiss. For a sweet eternity, nothing mattered but the touch of his lips and tongue and the way he held her as if he couldn't get close enough to her. There was longing in their touch, tinged by grief and tenderness but Lyssa didn't want to think about everything she had learned about him, not about anything else that happened beyond this moment nor about the pain building up in her hand, making her fingers clench into themselves. Not now. Now, everything that was important was right in front of her, was this moment, his touch, his love.

But the pain kept building and got excruciating, even as she gripped a fistful of the fur that decorated his armor. Just as she was forced to break the kiss and gasped for air in pain, her forehead touching his, his fingers tenderly interlaced with hers. Her eyes widened, shocked and in awe, and when she gasped this time, it was not because of the pain. Soothing coldness flooded through the mark and for the first time in weeks the burning ache in her palm and arm stopped. For a moment her knees got weak at the sweet feeling of calmness that spread through her. She had nearly forgotten how her body felt without the permanent painful pulse echoing through it. She looked down at their interlaced hands with a deep sigh and her fingers tightened around his, her emotions running wild. This was how life was supposed to be. Free of pain and in his arms.

"Lyssa," he said softly and her breath caught in her throat as she heard her name coming from his lips for the first time in years, his voice dark with emotion just as she remembered. For a second, her eyes locked with his and she smiled tentatively at him, knowing only too well that her emotions were on full display in her features. He seemed to freeze as he looked at her with an intensity that made her breathless and his hand came up to her face, cupping her cheek. For an endless moment, he just looked at her before he closed his eyes and seemed to catch himself. She remembered this gesture only too well and as his arms loosened around her, she knew he would let go again. But no. Not this time. She wouldn't have it. She pulled herself closer at him, grabbing his hand so firmly he would have to break her grip to let go, her eyes burning into him. The tiniest smile was in the corners of his lips at the familiar defiance, his face full of fondness and sadness at the same time. But he no longer tried to pull away, tightening his arm around her instead.

"There is something you need to…" he started but she interrupted him.

"I know," she said and raised her chin, locking eyes with him. The air around them seemed to grow heavier, loaded with meaning. Solas took a deep breath but before he could say anything, Lyssa raised herself up and kissed him again with desperate, fiery longing. If this was the last time she saw him, she would not waste any second. She pressed herself against him and as his arms tightened around her as she let the rest of the world fall away. He still smelled like he had when they had been together and as she inhaled his scent, tasting him on her tongue, it woke a desire so fierce that it surprised herself. Without thinking she started to fumble at his belt, pulling the fur out and off him. For a time he seemed as lost in the moment as she, opening the buckles of her leather armor to loosen it enough to find a way beneath it. Lyssa moaned slightly against his mouth as she felt his hands on her skin and the sound made him groan deep in his throat as he lifted her up with a strength that never ceased to amaze her. Solas turned around with her in his arms, pushing her against the wall of the ruin, never stopping to kiss her. Her fingers pulled at the strings hidden beneath his armor which held his breeches and finally found his skin, shoving the last bit of cloth away. As she took him in her hands, stroking his length he groaned against her lips and impatiently pulled down her own trousers to push her legs apart as far as the trousers around her ankles allowed with his knee. Her breath came in short, hot gasps as she grabbed him to pull him against her but just then he stopped, pulling away from her with an effort. His eyes were clouded with emotion and desire but she could see the doubt in him, even as she stopped him from letting go of her.

"Fen'Harel”, she whispered and he froze. Her grip on him tightened as she continued, holding his gaze, inviting, her body humming with desire for him. “Dread Wolf take me.”

His eyes widened. Disbelief, hope and surprise flickered over his face as his breath caught in his throat and a sound that was something between a sob and a moan escaped him when she grabbed fistfuls of his coat and pulled him towards her, into her, his lips capturing her moan as he started moving within her with a desperate, passionate rhythm. They knew they didn't have much time and their need put a roughness in their love-making that hadn't been there before. He still knew where she liked to be kissed, to be touched, every touch a feverish remembrance of happier days as their fingers clasped at strips of armor or lips found each other again. 

She held on to him as if holding on for sheer life and feeling him so close, so intimate, alleviated some of the pain he had left in his stead as he went away. The stone biting hard into her back was irrelevant as she felt his hot breath on her skin. He grabbed her leg, pulling it up and around his hips and his nails dug into her skin as he thrust into her, quickening his pace. Wild desire was in her eyes as she pulled his face towards her, kissing him feverishly. His name was on her lips when she cried out her relief - not Fen'Harel, the name she had learned was also his, but the one he had worn when she had come to know him, come to love him. Solas.

He answered with a guttural sound against her throat as he lost control as well and after a few more thrusts he came inside her, shuddering, his fingers in her hair. For an eternal moment they stayed like this, forehead against forehead, their breaths slowly calming down. Lyssa closed her eyes, keeping tears back as her fingers curled in his neck. She didn’t want to let go of him, didn’t want this to end, this one moment of bliss where nothing else counted but the two of them. But their time had nearly run out. She felt it. She inhaled his scent deeply and their lips found each other again once more before they let go of each other.

Neither of them said anything as they fixed their clothing again. The words came back slowly as they looked over the ruins and the falling water, and with the words came his story and, finally, the truth. She listened and asked, but more than that, she watched him, the emotions in his face, the grief, the pain and the uncertainty, until there were no more questions. Lyssa drew a shaking breath, feeling raw and hurt. There was so much more to it than she had ever imagined. Still, she didn't pull away as he touched her cheek softly, looking at her as if he wanted to remember every line of her face.

"I still put out honeycomb cake at new moon," she told him when the silence threatened to become too much to bear and his sudden smile was a small pearl of happiness she carefully tucked away in her memory. The pain in her hand started to build up again and she quickly continued: "I brought you some," giving him a small pouch she had carried throughout the chaos. Solas opened it with a small, sad smile. He took out the lock of hair wrapped around a dried flower of wolfsbane before he looked back at her.

"You knew?" he asked and Lyssa nearly laughed as she saw doubts and curiosity battling in his face.

"Do you really think I don't know your paintings when I see them?" she asked in return, tilting her head. "It wasn't hard to put two and two together in the end."

It was then that the grief struck her again and she couldn't quite keep it out of her voice as she said very softly: "You could've taught me so much more. Had you only trusted me."

The pain in his face was unmistakable. "Ir'abelas, vhenan," he said but he didn't look away. "But I couldn't bear the thought of you pushing me away - and I couldn't bring you into my fight. It is not your burden to bear."

"But it is, isn't it?" she whispered, clenching her fingers into a fist nearly unconsciously. This time, he did look away.

“Is it worth it?” she asked, her eyes wandering over the ruins. “Is this dead world really worth more than this world? More than us?”

He reached for her and she wanted to say more but suddenly, the anchor flared up again, red hot spikes of pain running up her arm towards her heart, engulfing her in agony. She screamed as the world drowned in pain, falling to her knees, grasping her own arm with the other hand. When it finally subsided, she was toppled over, gasping for air. She didn't have long anymore, she knew. But there he was, kneeling before her.

"The Mark will eventually kill you. Drawing you here gave me the chance to save you… at least for now", he said and she knew deep in her heart that he was preparing to leave her again. Her heart clenched and the weight on her breast made breathing nearly impossible as she realized that she had lied to herself. She had promised herself not to hope. And yet, here she was, her heart breaking anew as the tiny spark of hope for him to come back to her after all was crushed. Again.  Lyssa started to cry helplessly, desperate sobs that quickly became painful gasps as the anchor flared up again and she knew in her heart that she wouldn’t be able to go home. She would die here and hadn’t achieved anything. "Solas, var lath vir suledin", she sobbed.

“Vhenan,” he murmured, cupping her face and she wanted to look at him, talk to him, hold him, burn the image of his face into her memory but all she could do was scream again as the world drowned in green fire and red pain. The scream died as the pain grew too strong for her to keep air in her lungs. Everything within her was aflame and yet, she was cold as she gasped for air.

'At least I'm not alone,’ flashed through her mind with a strange clarity as her very being was overpowered by pain. She saw his eyes and the magic within them before she felt his lips against hers.

"My love," Solas murmured and kissed her, a touch soft and full of love. Her eyes fluttered shut at his kiss, even though the tears never stopped. It drowned out the pain and she could feel his hand on hers, caressing her before he held on tightly. For a terrible moment, the fire within her worsened and she gasped, a pained sound against his lips - and then it stopped. And just like that, her hand started to melt and with it, the pain melted away and the fire that had threatened to consume her died. Still, his lips were pressed against hers, a whisper, a promise, then he was gone.

"Come home to me", she whispered as she could no longer feel him touching her, searching his eyes. He hesitated and as she looked at him again, the determination in his face was tinged with uncertainty but when she reached for him, he stood up even before the magic had stopped dripping from Lyssa's arm.

"I will never forget you", he said and his voice betrayed the immeasurable pain he felt and she shared.

Then he was gone. Again. And only the waterfall across the ruin heard her scream from a pain worse than the Anchor ever produced.

  
  



	5. Moon Shines Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her voice was barely more than a whisper. "How do you stop loving someone?"
> 
> Dorian slowly shook his head, a pain in his eyes that mirrored hers and that spoke of dark memories. "Ah. That, Lyssa, is a skill I haven't mastered yet."

"Lyssa?"

Dorian's voice was hesitating and concerned as he knocked at the door.

"Yes," she said, not looking at him. She was lying in the bed, propped up against the head piece, looking out of the window into the sunny afternoon. Crickets could be heard and the faint sound of people talking and laughing. The smell of a summer afternoon wafted in, of lavender and elfroot and hot stones, accompanied by the permanent buzzing of bees. The stump of her left arm was wrapped in bandages and looked horribly out of place upon the blanket. Her right hand held a book but it looked like it would fall out of her fingers any second, as if forgotten already. She was pale against the pillow, looking tired, forlorn and worn out.

"Can I come in?" Dorian asked and she put on the mantle of the Inquisitor as if putting on a mask, trying to hide her exhaustion, straightening as she turned towards him. A small, tired smile was in the corner of her lips.

"Of course, Dorian." She put the book away on the nightstand and pulled the blanket over the rest of her left arm so that one could no longer see where half of it was missing. Without quite noticing she did it, she started fidgeting with her hair, the blanket, her shirt and only stopped when she finally looked up and caught him looking at her sadly. Her hand sank back on the blanket as he slowly came in and closed the door behind him. Then he gestured towards her arm before approaching the bed to sit down next to her. "You don't need to hide it, Lyssa."

Lyssa shrugged but didn't pull her arm out from under the blanket. The muscles in her jaw worked as she clenched her teeth. Finally she nodded. "I know. It's…" She searched for words and finally settled on: "I'm not used to it yet. And people get offended and embarrassed, so…" She shrugged again.

"Well, I'm not getting offended, I promise," he said with fervor and she gave him a small smile. Dorian smiled back and after a short pause fell into a lengthy account of the events outside her room, embellished with juicy gossip and ridiculous statements. Normally, Lyssa quite enjoyed this idle passing of time with fun and tales but today, she couldn't quite focus and her smiles never stopped being somewhat forced. But she knew the gesture for what it was and she was thankful for any distractions from her thoughts and so she didn't interrupt him.

Dorian quickly gathered that her heart wasn't in it, however, and after a few minutes, he fell silent again, taking her right hand between his. For a long moment they were both silent.

 

"I'm sorry," he finally managed and the way he looked at her told her he meant it. He nodded towards her other arm before a rare seriousness settled over him. "Not only the arm. But that you had to face him again. In this way."

The words hit home and suddenly she felt cold. She pressed her lips together and let her head drop forward until her hair was framing her face, hiding her feelings. It was still hard to remember her encounter with Solas and all the pain, hope, knowledge and disappointment. Even harder was it to endure the pity of her friends in which she could read so much disbelief and incomprehension. While nobody knew exactly what had happened between them, they were close enough friends to at least guess at some of it. And Lyssa had never been good at hiding her feelings, so the extent of her renewed grief didn't go unnoticed. She knew it was stupid to still have feelings for Solas and even more stupid to have acted on it - though how exactly had stayed out of every report - but it was not like she chose to feel like she did. Seeing the head-shakes, hearing the comments about him or even herself when the others thought she wasn't listening or watching was hard.

Lyssa knew Dorian never really understood what she saw in Solas but she also knew that he really felt for her. It meant a lot to her that he didn't start raging against Solas like most others had done but instead just acknowledged her feelings. He meant what he said. "Thanks," she murmured, pressing her eyes shut, before she sighed and forced herself to look at her friend. "I mean it," she said. "Thank you."

 

Her arm stump came up and fell down again as she wanted to reach with her left hand towards him and realized too late - again - that there no longer was a hand. Lyssa flinched and drew her hand out of Dorian's to pull the blanket over herself again, then she wiped her hair out of her face. Her stomach clenched in on itself. "Sorry. It's… I haven't gotten used to not having both hands."

There was pain in her voice and Dorian looked at her miserably. "Well. Better than the alternative, am I right? And you'll still be able to cast magic. I think I heard Sera and Dagna already discussing some mechanical arm they want to build you and come to think of it I think I was supposed to keep that quiet."

A ghost of a smile was on Lyssa's face, then they fell quiet again, the sounds from the summer afternoon the only ones filling the room.

 

Dorian looked as lost as she felt and after a moment, Lyssa took pity on him. "Dorian, you don't have to stay if you're uncomfortable," she said, pressing his hand.

The indignation on his face was so honest and pronounced that Lyssa couldn't help but smile. He pressed her hand against his heart.

"Lyssa," he started, bristling. "This is not about me being uncomfortable. This is about trying to help you get better - and obviously failing at it, but trying nonetheless. This is about me being your friend, being here for you. This is about giving you a chance to talk about what happened or, if you prefer, distract you with outrageous lies or stories. This is not about me. It's all about you."

He looked at her with such emphasis that she felt her throat close. She swallowed and blinked a few times so that no tears could well up.

 

"Ah Dorian," she finally whispered, shrugging helplessly. "If only I knew what to say. What to tell you. What to tell myself. Solas is still gone, he still loves me and did all he could to save my life but his plan is still more important than I… than us. Nothing is changed - nothing but the fact that I now know what he wants to do and who he is. And at the same time, everything is changed. Everything I ever knew, all of us ever knew is shattered and the man I love with all my heart wants to destroy the world as we know it." She gave him a look that spoke of desperation and grief. Her voice nearly broke as she asked: "What do you want me to say, Dorian?"

"Say: 'I want to kill him.' Say: 'I want to fuck him.' Say: 'I want to fuck then kill him.' Say: 'I want you to kill him for me.' Say: 'I want him back' or 'I wish none of this happened' or 'He's a fucking god I once worshipped how weird is that' or 'You know that dress we saw yesterday, I really want to buy it.' Say anything!" Dorian exclaimed passionately, throwing his hands up in the air. His eyes burned into hers with so much emotion it nearly hurt to see. "Just don't retreat into yourself again. And don't you dare go onto one of those crazy torture trips again. We need you, Lyssa. And not for the Inquisition or to lead some battle. We need you because we love you. I love you. You're my best friend. Please let me be the same for you?"

Lyssa stared at him and blinked when her vision started to blur. Before she knew it, Dorian had pulled her into a tight embrace and she took a shaking breath before she buried her face against his shoulder, holding him close as best she could with just one arm. "I love you, too," she murmured, blinking away tears.

 

For a moment she just hang onto him, thankful for his presence. She had thought she'd manage alone, again, but suddenly she realized how much she had come to cherish her friends being there for her. She cleared her throat. "And I promise, no crazy torture trip. I couldn't do that to you again, I know how lost you are without me."

Dorian laughed and tightened the embrace. "That's better. Now." He let go of her, looking her deep into the eyes and wiped a tear from her cheek. "You still love that wolf person, yes?" he more stated than asked.

Lyssa laughed bitterly before she nodded miserably. "Yes. I don't know how to stop. I've tried not to, I really did - and I thought I was getting somewhere, getting over him. And then I saw him and the way he looked at me and for a moment it was as if nothing bad ever happened between us. For a moment, he was there, truly there with me and all that mattered was us."

Dorian nodded slowly, compassion in his face. "Lyssa," he started after a moment, picking his words carefully, "I know it's not really my place but - have you considered that he might never have been the person you thought he was? The person you love?"

She laughed briefly, a hollow sound without joy. "Of course I have," she answered and the bitterness she felt left a sour taste in her mouth. "Every day since I started to begin to understand who he is I asked myself how much he… pretended. I questioned every touch, every situation, every moment, I went through them, analyzing and scrutinizing. I asked myself how much was true and where I failed to see signs that could have hinted at who he is. And boy, were there signs." She unclenched her hand where she had gripped the blanket way too hard and looked outside, slowly shaking her head. Her voice had grown agitated as she spoke but now it was small as she added: "But no matter how much I question and ask and scrutinize, no matter how much he hid, there is one thing of which I am absolutely sure: he loves me."

Dorian sighed in sympathy as she looked at him, indicating to her she could continue.

"He didn't want to fall in love with me but he did. And I've known - no, I _know_ him better than any of you ever did. I can read his face, his gestures, I see his lies and his truths, better than any of you. He loves me as much as I love him."

"And yet… I don't see him here while you nearly died to catch up with him," Dorian said quietly.

Lyssa looked away and closed her eyes. "I know," she murmured. "He thinks the world is more important than either he or I. Truth is - I might even do the same were I him."

After a long pause, Lyssa looked at Dorian. "You know, I've tried. I've tried so hard to leave everything behind, leave him behind. And yet…" Her voice was barely more than a whisper. "How do you stop loving someone?"

Dorian slowly shook his head, a pain in his eyes that mirrored hers and that spoke of dark memories. "Ah. That, Lyssa, is a skill I haven't mastered yet."

Laughter flowed in through the window and both of them looked outside, falling silent.

"So what are you going to do?" Dorian asked softly after a moment and she shrugged with a nonchalance she didn't feel.

"The only thing I can do. I'm gonna try and stop him. And if I can't convince him - don't give me that look, I know you don't approve of anything short than fighting him."

"I don't think he deserves more," Dorian grumbled.

"Yes, maybe. But so far, he hasn't done anything against us. On the contrary. And he's the man I love. I have to at least try." The look she gave him pleaded for understanding but Dorian did not seem quite convinced. Still, he took her hand.

"Alright. If that's what you want, I'll support you."

Lyssa closed her eyes for a second, relieved. "I'm not going to stand idly be and watch him tear down the Veil again if that is what you fear," she finally added and he looked a bit caught. With a sigh she said: "If it comes down to it, I _will_ fight him."

He looked at her for a long time before he nodded. "If it helps, I will do anything in my considerable power that you won't have to do it yourself."

Lyssa smiled at him. She doubted they would have a choice in the end but she appreciated the thought behind it. "Thank you, my friend."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus, Lyssa's story comes to an end for the time being. I might add some bits and pieces in between if the mood catches me but I hesitate to go too far with a story that might clash horribly with a potential new game. I hope you enjoyed yourselves :) Thank you all for reading, for your kudos and comments. It means the world. <3


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